One of the things I love best about painting is the way it allows me to lose myself in the work and wander through the creative process, stopping only when something beautiful has happened. As I've gotten better at letting go of the everyday and sinking into the paint, I've gotten worse at maintaining any kind of real focus on my LIFE.
I keep putting off major decisions. I'm terrible with money. I keep ham-stringing myself. I'm supposed to be saving up cash for this agent who a couple of months ago said she wants to represent me in high-end galleries, but instead I've been spending all my money on hiring models. I'm supposed to be putting together a Kickstarter page so I can try to beg for the money for the agent, but instead I've been watching British TV.
I haven't been posting here lately because I've been painting. My plan was to write a post with pictures of all I've done in the past couple of weeks, but of the 6 paintings I've started, only one is finished. I wander through this life like in a dream, which makes the art beautiful, but if no one ever sees it in person who can afford to waste money on trivialities like ART, I'll be stuck working for other people for the money to survive for the rest of my life.
This lack of focus is integral, necessary, absolutely required and yet keeps fucking me repeatedly. Like some long, drawn-out, lazy psychic self-rape.
Sometimes I write down lists of short-term and long-term goals, but then forget what they are when I lose the lists.
What was I writing about again?
Who am I?
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